Lincoln Exposed, our city's winter local music festival, produced the motherlode of highly entertaining student reviews from the university newspaper, The Daily Nebraskan. The majority of the reviews are generally well-written and mostly cohesive, considering a lot of these kids are just a couple of years out of high school and don't have tons of experience writing OR seeing live music.
But what these young, aspiring journalists lack in experience (and sometimes grammar skills,) they make up for in spades with unintentionally hilarious writing.
As a service to my musical and literary readers, because I know you appreciate these kinds of things, I have compiled here 50 of the most entertaining snippets from student reviews of Lincoln Exposed bands. To break up the reading a bit, I've kind of categorized them, but don't let that pigeonhole the experience for you. Some of these are priceless on many fronts.
I'm posting this in the spirit of pure joy. I appreciate the great coverage of local music that the Daily Nebraskan and other publications work hard to provide for our thriving local music scene. I've removed bylines and band names (except for one, because the band name is about all the kid wrote about.)
So without further ado or disclaimers, I now present to you...
50 Awesome Snippets from Band Reviews by Journalism Students
1. Things that could probably go without saying:
"To [this band], Lincoln Exposed is 'like a big music festival for local music fans.'"
"The members were sharply dressed, each with their own suit and hat."
"[The drummer] stayed steady for the group on the drums, stringing the band’s pieces together with his persistent beat."
"[He] was especially impressive on the electric guitar, which added that extra layer of oomph."
"Both before and in between songs, the silence was disturbed only by whispers from the three musicians on stage and brief claps in between each song."
"The singer could carry a tune or pull off the speak-sing that sometimes crawls its way into rock."
"Instead, the musicians took it upon themselves to build upon each other, and climax into a fever of sounds."
"The lead guitarist’s solos were often and consistent; he made solos that fit the different passing songs."
"He danced and produced just the right amount of hand motions to emphasize their lyrics."
"No technical booboos occurred as players strummed guitar strings to make sweet-sounding noises."
2. Neither here nor there: Vague as an artform
"With every guitar strum emphasized and every word sung with that recognizable drawl, the members helped bring their audience to a certain level of enjoyment."
"Of course, the band still dropped its musical payload adequately."
"The hints of modern sound seemed to almost beg for more but stuck with its predetermined motive."
"However, when it came to transitions between the loud and soft parts and transitions between all of the instruments playing to just guitar or vocals, it got rough."
"Even if someone were to argue that some of the songs sound very similar or that the volume prevents any of the lyrics from being heard, they would simply be run over by the unforgiving music, along with a skeleton-drawn chariot."
“'Flamboyant' would not be the right term, since the band does not use mellow-dramatic songs or any bubble machines. 'Overbearing' makes it seem as if the band overextended its welcome, which it did not, for the most part."
"Even without huge blaring screams or newfangled hybrids of punk rock and elementary-school music, [the bluegrass band] toasted the place and made an impact of wholeness."
"Watching [him] play guitar was an act of controlled violence that I haven’t heard in a while. The strangled sounds were strangled and wild with a touch of musical mastery."
"The groaning bass along with the shared lyrics and overall exceptional core instrumental entourage helped end the night in a climactic and musically satisfying way."
4. Yeah, but what were they WEARING?
"The audience at Duffy’s Tavern started to build a proper concert-going crowd to the driving, swirling sound of guitars played by the brothers, both of whom were wearing flannel shirts."
"Behind the visage of long flapping hair and black t-shirts, and in one case a pair of camouflaged cargo pants, lies some serious talent."
"[He] headbanged his vintage wash hat right off. Some things rock, other things roll and baseball caps can’t seem to handle the level of punk these boys produced."
"[They were] cool and collected in denim on the Bourbon stage Friday night... The band chased their songs with beer as [they] took the stage in sunglasses and jeans...The band’s nonchalant image was projected through their outfits as they made their way through their setlist."
5. When Similes and Metaphors Attack
"[The song] wrapped around the room and had a pulse all its own. It swelled in fury but dipped down low into the ether of somber glory."
"[This band] is the epitome of real life guitar hero with short-hair headbanging, a dimpled bassist and an unreturned greeting from the crowd."
"The third song started like a plea-full prayer but when the rest of the band jumped in it was like hellfire knocking on heaven’s door with the slap of the drum singing 'Momma I’m coming home.'"
"...and as the night went on they effortlessly rose up the corporate ladder despite obstacles that doubled as encouragement."
"This was the re-christening moment for the audience and the pounding of feet drowned out the wicked hooves of all distractions."
"He slaps the bass like, well, a classy man with a long beard and a business casual jacket."
"Duffy’s is a cavern - a dark, maze that smells like it bathes in beer and shampoos with whiskey." (Ed. note: Duffy's is neither cavernous nor maze-like. It's also not very dark.)
"Sanity comes from the steady pounding of the kick-drum...It’s like the beating of a heart. It’s like the open road. It’s the gentle knocking on the sweetly slumbering soul."
"They created an atmosphere reminiscent of a senior citizen dance hall: slow, warm and far away from the rest of the stuff in life that’s complicated and unnecessary." (This one is about my band!)
"The overall giddiness and enjoyment that the band members expressed as they played also spread joy to the listeners like a contagious virus."
"Metal makes up nearly everything. It provides structure to tall skyscrapers and weird-looking sculptures that only a few 'chosen' individuals are able to understand. It helps transport necessities like water, electricity and internet porn when it is built into pipes, wires and crusty computers. Humans need to even eat small amounts of metal for sustained life, or face large amounts for imminent death. Same goes for a bit of death metal."
6. Hyperbolic gems
"And their necks somehow rotated with propeller-like velocity."
"The floor was a mosaic of everything everyone trekked in throughout the night."
7. Cheer up and lament!
"Today, the band has since become a five-member team that implements all the instruments, songs and the spirit, needed to cheer up any listener with some time to relax, sit back, have a beer, and lament about life and its simplicities a bit."
8. Get these kids a publisher! Or, in some cases, please don't!
"A shirtless man, dancing to the heavy metal, turns around to a voice screaming his name. His adversary stands five yards away, looking at the shirtless man with unmistakable contempt and possessed desire in his eye. The two charge each other like two bull moose in the wild. Beers drop. Glass shatters. Haymakers are thrown. This whole ordeal distracts the rest of the bar, but [the band] has been playing throughout this entire incident without missing a key."
"The disco lights start spinning about four songs into the set and every turtleneck-wearing woman let the beat get the best of her. They all start getting warm the way [the band] advised...A drunken gentleman, sporting an ill-fitting excuse of a beanie, throws the pointer finger gun one too many times. The turtleneck dance circle quickly weeds him out, and he’s back to his corner, shooting bullseyes in the sky."
"Unfortunately, the slamming guitars started to completely annihilate this reviewer’s mind and conscious while he listened unprepared. Whether this muffling is by self-imagined conjured demons or just the deep rumbling of the Flying-V-like guitars and the vocals emanating from [the singer's] mouth is debatable. Regardless, it is absolutely awesome, yet a little inconvenient since cerebral activity for words is becoming a slog through dark sands of darkness and skulls."
"There were no contrived bits of odd chords or wallowing moments of self-pity or reflection. The band chews that notion up and spits it up, just to eat it again with its uncompromising yet not overly forced or pretentious style. With its constant barrage of chords and drum beats, the band completely dominated the bar with a metaphysical fire and, likely, a literal fire conjured by either the guitarists’ epic otherworldly playing or from the friction built up as he incessantly strummed."
9. How to unwittingly expose your own biases
"[This band] has a heavily synthesized, punchy charm, relying heavily on the mom’s-basement-keyboard styling of [the keyboardist.]"
"Bearded onlookers seated at the bar gazed on the stage judgmentally."
"[This band] definitely proved that bluegrass, or at least its rendition, was not just some 'backwoods country tune' expected to appear only in places where people cling to the past and smoke tobacco through pipes."
"A few men clad in drug-rug sweatshirts were spinning near the stage, eyes hazy and blank. Arms were thrust into the air and heads were thrown back, letting out calls of obvious victory. [This] is the kind of band that makes people want to take their shirts off in record-breaking cold weather, wave their wrists clad in Livestrong bracelets like they just don’t care and mosh with blonde prima donnas and boys that prefer euphoria to reality."
"The bluegrass played by [this band] seemed to possess a certain level of just plain goodness that caused people to happily dance and sing along to the lyrics. So much so, in fact, that not very many people even looked remotely embarrassed."
"Don’t let the exterior of the trio fool you, despite the older age of the drummer and the fur trapper hat worn by the bass player, the band has no problem playing loud and fast."
10. So...which was it?
"This was listening music, or staring-disaffectedly-at-your-phone party material."
11. And then there's this kid: Someone, please, sexually inspire him with sweet nothings already!
A dirty talker, or a flirtatious dude or dudette, uses sexually-explicit words in order to arouse their partner. Dirty Talker also happens to be the name of an alternative rock band that offers music rather than the graphic and stimulating language that everyone secretly desires...
Yet, the band failed to justify its name by speaking half in methodical grunts and half in whispers of hot lust. The members had the potential, what with their totally in-sync singing, advanced music skills and their babe-magnet mustaches and other facial hair, however, as far as one could tell, no one in the audience felt sexually charged or even interested.
While the average band of shaved men cannot pull off the sensual and pleasing comment, the fact that the band named itself Dirty Talker makes any inexperienced listener believe that the band must be filled with men capable of setting ablaze desiring loins.
Their musical talents and song selection made "Dirty Talker" capable candidates for any adoring females without filthy language. Yet, it was baffling that the band named itself Dirty Talker without ever proving that it deserved that name by speaking in the tongue of lovemaking.
So, with all this in mind, Dirty Talker has both gained and lost ground. As a musical ensemble that plays great and emotionally driving, yet not all that sexy, music, it has become a worthy band for Lincoln, let alone the conclusion of Lincoln Exposed 2014. Yet, the band never seemed to contain actual dirty talkers despite its name, thus making the realization a disappointment to those who wished to be sexually inspired by sweet nothings.
Regarding your Ed Note: "Duffy's is neither cavernous nor maze-like. It's also not very dark". In the writers defense I will say if you're really drunk and have to go to the bathroom really bad but can't exactly find your way there, it can become cavernouse, dark and maze-like...not that I'd know anything about that
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