A Telephone Conversation with a Technophobe

My mother is very intelligent, but when it comes to solving visual problems, she's a genius. She constructs these 1:12 miniature houses with obsessive attention to historical and architectural detail, using styrofoam, toothpicks, joint compound and modeling clay.

Wherever it makes sense, she uses natural elements: The dirt floor on her ca. 1853 New Mexico adobe resulted from experimenting with different types of soil from Yankee Hill Brick Co., which finally led to the exact right color and texture. (It's a perfectly-balanced combination of "red" dirt and "buff" dirt, in case you're wondering.)

This week, my mother finished her ca. 1713 French farmhouse (updated to its current year of 1853.) It's been a labor of love three years in the making, right down to the 2,500 roof tiles she carved out of Sculpey and hand painted and the 1,100 handmade (in France) miniature hexagon tiles she hand painted and laid, one by one, on the kitchen floor.

This morning, I showed my mom how to create a Facebook photo album so that she could post some detail shots of the farmhouse on her wall. As usual, she sat next to me and wrote every single thing down as I showed her, starting with the first step, just in case she forgot: "Go to F.B."

You see, in real life, in three-dimensional space that you can mold and manipulate viscerally with your bare hands, my mother is a highly resourceful and creative force. But put that woman in front of any electronic device, and she turns instantly into a drooling, doddering old woman shaking her cane at a bunch of goth teenagers. You have to take this batty old thing gently by the hand and lead her slowly and patiently through the technology until she can fly on her own. Then she turns into my mom again, my young, modern mother who texts as fast as a teenager and downloads Slim Whitman onto her iPod without blinking.

Please let me illustrate for you what that's like, to walk my mother through digital territory that's unfamiliar to her. Here is a transcript of the phone conversation we had this afternoon when she called with a question about her Facebook album:

Mom: The description of my album is kind of long. Will it all fit? I'm guess I'm not too clear on this description part, how it's going to post.

Me: It should all fit on the post, but if not, it'll tell you to read more. Here, look at one of my photo albums on Facebook so you can see what it'll look like when you're done.

Mom: Okay. How do I do that?

Me: Just open a new tab and go to Facebook.

Mom: Uh...I don't know what you mean.

Me: Just hit Command + T to open a new tab.

Mom: (Long pause.) Am I hitting the button that says "Tab?"

Me: No, just push the command button and the T button.

Mom: Okay. Uh, the command button?

Me: It's the one with the little cloverleaf symbol.

Mom: [silence.]

Me: Okay, put your finger on the space bar.

Mom: Okay.

Me: Now, move your finger to the button directly to the left of the space bar.

Mom: Okay.

Me: That's the command button. Now, push that and then push the "T" button. "T" as in "Tab."

Mom: Okay, so wait. Am I pushing the "Tab" button? Or not?

Me: Oh, my God. No. Okay, listen. Push the control button and then while you're still holding it down, press the letter T. Push the key on your keyboard that has the letter T on it.

Mom: Now it says Top Sites.

Me: Okay, good! You're in a new tab. Find Facebook among those top sites and click it.

Mom: Now I'm on Facebook again.

Me: Okay, now go to my page.

Mom: Your page?

Me: Yes. My home page.

Mom: Okay, how do I find your page?

Me: Click on your "friends" link on the left side of your screen.

Mom: Okay... Hmmm.  I'm not finding that.

Me: Are you on your page or on the news feed?

Mom: How do I tell?

Me: Do you see any posts from people other than you? Like, other people's status updates?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Okay, you're on your news feed. Click your name on the upper right-hand side of the dark blue strip at the very top of the screen. It's directly to the left of the word "Home."

Mom: Okay. Now I'm on my page.

Me: Okay, now on the left side, find the box that says "Friends."

Mom: Okay.

Me: Now, see if you can find my photo there, and click on it.

Mom: Okay, hmmm. I don't have you on here. We're friends, right?

Me: Yeah, but that box only shows like, nine random friends. Okay, so above the nine little pictures of your friends, click on the word "friends." That will take you to the complete list of all of your friends.

Mom: Okay! I'm still not seeing you. Am I looking for the picture of you reading on the patio?

Me: No, now it's the painting of me and Gerardo. Go to the search field and start typing my name.

Mom: Uhhhhh...so do I click on "find friends"?

Me: No, go to the search field. It's the little box under the "find friends" button. It says, "search your friends."

Mom: Here you are. Okay, I'm on your page.

Me: Now, scroll down to February 17th and look at the album I posted. That's what yours will look like. So it'll have the title of the album in bold, then the description underneath that.

Mom: Okay, I see how it's supposed to look. That makes more sense now.

Me: Great! So now go back to the tab you're working in.

Mom: Okay. Uhhhh...how do I get back there?

Me: Just click the other tab.

Mom: The other tab? I don't know what you mean by "tab." You don't mean the "tab" button?

Me: OMGZ. No, this has nothing to do with the "tab" button. These are browser tabs. They kind of look like folder tabs. Along the top of your screen, right below your bookmarks bar, you should see two tabs. One might say something like, "Facebook" or "Marjorie Bailey" and the other one might say "Facebook" or "Kristen Bailey."

Mom: I don't see anything like that under there. I guess I still don't understand what you mean by "tab."

Me: Okay, here. Think about when you pull a manila file folder out of a file drawer. You open it up and put it on your desk and you work on stuff in the file. Then you get up, take another file folder out and open it right next to the first one. Now you're working on the second file, but the other one is still open, right next to you. When you open a new tab in your browser, you can work on two completely different things at one time. Now, manila file folders have tabs that you label so that you know what's in the file. So does the browser, right along the top.

Mom: Hmmm...I still don't see anything that looks like a tab.

Me: Here, I'll text you a picture. Call me when you get it.

Mom: Okay, I got it, but I can't read what you're pointing at.

Me: Mom, I'm pointing at the tab! I'm showing you what the tab looks like! There are three of them in the picture. See?

Mom: Okay, I see those, but I don't have that.

Me: Take a photograph of your screen and text it to me. I'll call you right back.

Me: Alright. Read me the words on your bookmarks bar.

Mom: "Sedona Vacation" "Tulips & Tantrums" "Straw Home" "Ice Climbing" "Dubious Domestic."

Me: Okay, Now, read the next row of words right underneath the row of words you just read to me. Just below the bookmarks bar, that very next line of text.

Mom: Okay, let's see...in parentheses, the number 3, followed by "Upload complete." After that, it says, "Kristen Bailey."

Me: Okay! Those are your goddamn tabs! The first tab will take you to the album you're uploading on Facebook. The second tab will take you to my page on Facebook. So to go back to your Facebook page, just click on the other tab. See?

Mom: [completely surprised] Oh! And there it is! I'm back on my Facebook page again!

Me: Whew! Okay. So, now, what was your question again?

Me and Mom: [laughing for about a minute at the absurdity of all that.]

Mom: You seriously need to write this whole ridiculous thing up as your next blog post. I won't mind.

I wish I could link to her photo album so that you could see the incredible details of her farmhouse. Unfortunately, her privacy settings are too strict even for anyone to see it if I share it on my wall. I would call her to walk her through changing those settings, but I'm sure you can imagine how that would go.