A Conversation With Ruby About Lunch

Me: Would you like a peanut butter sandwich for lunch?

Ruby: Yes. But I like how Daddy makes it.

Me: Why? What does he do that I don't?

Ruby: He doesn't put peanut butter on it.

Me: He doesn't put peanut butter on it?

Ruby: No, he puts tuna on it.

Me: Just tuna?

Ruby: Yes.

Me: Well, then, that's a tuna sandwich, not a peanut butter sandwich. Do you want a tuna sandwich instead?

Ruby: No, I want a peanut butter sandwich.

Me: With peanut butter on it?

Ruby Yes.

A Conversation With Ruby About Appropriate Places to Pee

About three-quarters of all the showers Ruby has ever taken have been with me. We were all set to get into the shower this afternoon:

Ruby: I have to pee.

Me: Okay, go ahead.

Ruby: I'll wait.

Me: No, go now.

Ruby: I'll just pee in the shower.

Me: Uh, no, you won't just pee in the shower. That's disgusting!

Ruby: It's not disgusting! It goes right down the drain!

Me: Do not pee in the shower. Oh, my God. Do you pee in the shower?

Ruby: I always pee in the shower.

Me: I don't want you to pee in the shower ever again. Never, ever again.

Ruby: But it's fun! 

Me: Well, from now on, you can take your showers with Daddy.

Unbelievable! By my calculations, I've been peed on in the shower approximately 312 times.




Previous post: A Telephone Conversation with a Technophobe

A Conversation With Ruby About...I'm Not Sure What

I can understand what Ruby says 99.9 percent of the time. Today was a .1 percent day.

Ruby: There's a chaner in the firejip.

Me: What?

Ruby: There's a pain in the virejrip.

Me: A pain in the what?

Ruby: Virejrip. Virejip. You know? There is a plane in the firejip.

Me: I'm not sure what you're saying!

Ruby: A plane in the firejip. Hot fire. Pain in the hot jack fun player. Plane in the firejrip.

Me: Well, okay then!

A Conversation With Ruby About Her Artwork

Ruby: Look at my collage!

Me: That's beautiful! Tell me about it.

Ruby: Well, this is fire, and fire, and fire. This can electrocute you. This is a smoke monster and this is a dirt monster and this is fire dirt. The dirt monster comes out of the smoke, and the dirt lives by itself and moves the people into the fire and the fire burns them and these cuts [she fringed all four sides] are where everybody lives.

Me: Should I frame this and we can put it in your room?

Ruby: No! I don't want it in my room.

Me: Why not?

Ruby: Because it'll scare me and give me nightmares. I don't want to look at it anymore. Never frame it! Never frame it!

A Conversation With Ruby About the B-Word

Ruby: I'll fold the towel on the bench. Ha, ha, hey! Bench sounds like bitch!

Me: Yes, it does. But let's not say that. It's not nice.

Ruby: You can only say "bitch" in the bathroom, right mommy? Because it's a potty word.

Me: That's right. It's not a nice word.

Ruby: Yeah, bitch is a potty word, right? So little kids should only say "bitch" when adults aren't in the bathroom, right?

Me: Yep, that's right. No one wants to hear that.

Ruby: Pretend like you don't know that "bitch" is a bad word. Say it. Say it!

Me: Hey, I have an idea! Pretend like I don't know how to fold a towel and show me how you do it...

A Conversation With Ruby About Bunnies

Last night we played "checker" with Ruby's ugly plastic checkout stand.

Ruby: I'll be the checker and you go shopping.

Me: Okay. (shop, shop, shop.)

Ruby: No, don't look at me. Checkers don't look at shoppers until they come up.

Me: Okay. (avert eyes, shop, shop, shop)

Ruby: Why, hello there! What's your name?

Me: My name is Kristen.

Ruby: No, pick another name.

Me: Okay...my name is Bunny.

Ruby: Are you a nice bunny?

Me: Yes, I am.

Ruby: Do you have bunny ears?

Me: Well, no....

Ruby: Why not?

Me: Because I'm not actually a bunny. I'm a person with the name of an animal.

Ruby: But do you have bunny ears at home?

Me: Why, yes, I do, as a matter of fact. It's funny when I go to parties wearing my bunny ears, because my name is Bunny.

Ruby: Okay, little bunny. Can I pet you?

Me: I don't think you understand. I'm not a bunny. I'm a human. My NAME is Bunny.

Ruby: Okay, little bunny.

A Conversation With Ruby About Cashews

Me: Here are some almonds and cashews.

Ruby: I LOVE cushrooms!

Me: Not cushrooms. Cashews.

Ruby: No, cushrooms.

Me: Okay, then, take your almonds and cushrooms to the living room.

Apparently, Decorum is Not a Birthright

Three-year-olds say the most inappropriate things, like little drunkards with no sense of propriety, just spewing whatever's on their mind. Yesterday in the packed Target dressing room, Ruby said the following:

"Hey! You don't have any panties on! That's silly, mom!"
"You're all naked, mom!"
"You have a cute little booty."
"I love your vagina."

At Super Saver an hour later, we followed an old lady into the women's room. After Ruby peed, she said:

"Hey, mom! There's one, two, three, four bubbles in my pee!"

I'm just waiting for the day when she REALLY embarrasses me. I work hard at saying only kind things about people in general, even moreso when Ruby can hear me. Still, things slip out, and one of these days she'll probably say something very wrong to the worst possible person. I don't know what, and I don't know who, but just you wait. I'll be posting about it soon, I'm sure of it.

A Conversation With Ruby About Naming Her Frog

Me: What kinds of pets do you have on ABC mouse?

Ruby: I have a frog and a dog.

Me: What's the dog's name?

Ruby: Lulu.

Me: What's the frog's name?

Ruby: Fwa Fwa.

Me: Fwa Fwa?

Ruby: No, Fra Fwa.

Me: Fra Fwa?

Ruby: No, Fra Fla.

Me: Fra Fla?

Ruby: No, Fra Fra.

Me, coming to my senses: Oh. What other pets are you going to get?

A Conversation with Ruby About God and Batman

Ruby: Why won’t you answer the door?

Me: Because those people want to talk to us about God.

Ruby: Is God real or pretend?

Me: God is real.

Ruby: God is in church.

Me: God is everywhere.

Ruby: What does God do all day?

Me: Well, God is in everything, so everything everything does all day is what God does all day.

A week later…

Ruby, watching Batman: Is Batman real or pretend?

Me: He’s a pretend character, but he’s real in our hearts and our collective consciousness.

Ruby: What does Batman do all day?

Me: Well, he’s the CEO of a huge corporation, so I imagine he goes to the office and works. Sometimes he hangs out in his Batcave waiting to help people who need help.

Ruby: With God?

Me: Sure. 

A Conversation With Ruby While I Was Distracted

Ruby: Hey, Mom, wouldn't it be a good idea if I something, something, blah, blah, blah?

Me: Yes, that would be a wonderful idea.

Ten minutes later, she had cleaned the bathroom sink and mirror with Colgate: The penalty you pay when you don't listen to your kids.

A Conversation with Ruby About Going for a Walk

Ruby: Mom, let's go for a walk with my stroller!

Me: No, not now. I'm tired! I'm just going to sit here and watch you play.

Ruby: Pleeeeeeaaaasssseee?

Me: Not now. We'll go for a walk later.

Ruby: But Mom, I want to walk with you in the quiet nice of nature!

(Who can say no to that?)