How to Name Your Band

My new band is playing at an open mic tonight so we can get an idea of what the stage sound will be for our first real show in Omaha at the Waiting Room on November 7. The thing is, we don't have a name yet. Coming up with a name is excruciating. A long time ago, I was watching Jim Jarmusch's Mystery Train and when the Japanese chick put on her jacket on the train, I said, "Oooh! Mister Baby is a great name for a chick band!" And my significant said, "Well, then start a chick band." So I did. I wish this one would come as easily.

We've been throwing out band names like candy on Halloween, and we've gotten nowhere. The band consists of me on the ukulele and singing, my sister Meghan on the accordion, my niece MacKenzie on the singing saw and our friend Patrick on the bass. Patrick is pretty laid back about the name, but the rest of us? OMG. We're a bunch of indecisive hens. Just take a look at some of our excruciating texts:

September 24

Kenzie: The shiver twitches.

Me: I tried to think of a shiver name because that's one of my favorite words. There's a band called Shivaree, which is a great name. How did you come up with that? Are you shivering and twitching?

KZ: My co-worker made a weird face and it looked like a shiver twitch and I thought, "that'd make a great band name!" Like shiver twitch and the so & so's or something.

Me: Too close to the front of my teeth. The "sh" and "tch."


October 19

KZ: Pale Annie.

KZ: Dervish.


October 20

Me: How about raven 8?

Meghan: Reminds me of that's so raven.

Me: Garden Gods?

MG: It's okay, needs something.

Me: Archives?

MG: Archrival?

Me: That's a local ad agency.

MG: Really? I didn't know that. Something something band name something.

Me: We're screwed.


October 22

MG: Lucy and the killers?

Me: The foundlings?

MG: Too close to fondling. Gremlins. Something with gremlins.

Me: Too kitschy. Moon junkies. Jackpot moon.

MG: I like names with moon in it. I have to carve a jack o lantern now. I'll get back to you.

Me: Carvers.

Me: The carvers.

Me: Pumpkin moon.

MG: Fever carver.

MG: The plumes.

MG: The ribbons.

MG: Honey belly.

MG: The funereals.

MG: Killer peacocks.

MG: Penguin the killer.

MG: Dearly beloved.

MG: Honey grass.

MG: Riddley shears.

MG: Okay, I'll stop now.


October 24  

Me: The Mighty Collisions.

Me: The Ephemerals.

Me: Ephemera.

Me: The Collapse.

Me: Supergiant.

Me: Mighty Palaces.

Me: Cold Shivers.

Me: The Dark Matters.

Me: The Gamma Rays.

Me: The Magnetospheres.

Me: The Unearthlies.

MG: No to ephemera, mighty palaces, shepherd moon. I really like the collapse, the mighty collisions, dark matters, magnetospheres & unearthlies. If we can, make it so the first word isn't "the".

Me: Agreed.

Kenzie: THE IS IN FRONT OF EVERYTHING! I don't know why you guys are against it.

Me: The the thing doesn't apply to every name, just those that give off more cool without it.

KZ: The bulbs, the crooked bulbs, the atmospheres. I dig shepherd moon a looooot.

Me: I like the bulbs a lot. I also like the unearthlies a lot.

KZ: The unearthlies is too cartoony. Shepherd moon for the win!

Me: What do you mean, cartoony? I think it sounds like fog on a creepy lake.

KZ: It doesn't flow like fog over a creepy lake. It kinda gets stuck on the tongue before it comes out.

Me: Yes, you're right about that. And I really don't like Shepherd moon that much. Feels kinda boring and distant. I loved it when I first thought of it, though.

KZ: I loooooove shepherd moon. It sounds so mythical, like some massive cosmic dude with a fluffy beard and starry eyes keeping watch over the universe.

Me: Yeah, that's kind of why I don't like it. It doesn't feel accessible. It also sounds like the title of some bad romance novel. In fact, that's what I'll name the hero if I ever write another one.

KZ: That it's distant is a good thing. You said yourself that you want a name that gives us room to grow under.

Me: Yes, but I want it to be more exciting. Like the magnetospheres or the atomic fevers or something.

KZ: Fine. I just love it so much everything will pale in comparison now. Those sound so punky. We aren't punk at all.

Me: We need something inbetween. How about The Inbetween?

KZ: Gah, too deep.

MG: I can live with Shepherd moon. It's a little blah but a cool image. I googled it and it is the name of an Enya album, but otherwise not taken.

Me: OMFG that totally figures it's an Enya album. Well, that's out.

MG: Blah, like it makes me think of little boy blue sleeping in a haystack losing his sheep or whatever.

Me: Yeah, Kenzie is wild about it.

MG: I know, Kenzie you and Enya are like BFF now.

KZ: You guys are crazy. Enya and I know what's up.

KZ: The boo hags.

Me: LOL the boo hags!

The name I loved best from the beginning, when we first started thinking of names over Labor Day weekend, was Wretched Family.

Me: Can we just go with Wretched Family?

KZ: Ugh.

Me: Gamma Rays?

Me: Spider Milk?

KZ: Gamma rays is alright. I like it better than all the others, I guess. Spider milk is pretty awesome.

MG: Collision kid?

Me: Nah, too karate kid.

KZ: Blackberry sunshine!

Me: Hippies.

And here we are, six hours away from playing and still trying to think of a name. I can't remember who it was that used to call me "Last Minute Lucy." It was either my dad or an old boss. But it's true that I work best under pressure. If I'm in true form, the perfect name will just roll suddenly out of my mouth as I introduce us to the audience.